Pamela Flatbush never wanted to be a superhuman killing machine, nor did she ever imagine as a foster child growing up in Beaver Dam, Wisconsin that she would one day be serving her country as a secret agent working undercover for the United States government.
But Lady Fate always gets her way, and Pamela’s destiny, as she’d find out at a tender young age, was to save America -- and, ultimately, the entire world -- from the terrorists and other evildoers who threatened to destroy it.
After graduating from the Academy at the top of her class, Pamela went to work with the DEA, where she was assigned many hazardous duties. Her most challenging assignment sent her deep undercover to infiltrate Afghanistan’s most powerful and dangerous drug cartels.
After months of relentless, deep penetration, Pamela eventually gained the trust of Abdulla Omarosa bin Laid, the cartel’s notorious kingpin. At his command, Pamela soon began smuggling heroin into the U.S., up to several kilos at a time, to prove her value and loyalty to bin Laid and his ruthless crime syndicate.
Then, one fateful Groundhog’s Day, something went horribly awry. On a flight to Miami -- carrying her biggest payload yet -- Pamela was sipping a cocktail while listening to DJ Joe Caro's latest dance mix podcast, when all of a sudden she started to feel a most unpleasant burning sensation down below -- and not of the sort with which she was all too familiar, either. As she rushed to the airplane’s lavatory in the forward cabin, she could barely lock the door behind her before her Jimmie Choo silk satin slingbacks were drenched in a frothy, unsightly mixture of heroin and blood.
The condom had ruptured inside her. She quickly realized that this unplanned ovarian occupation -- unlike so many others before it -- wouldn't be quite so easy to abort.
Pamela knew she had to blow her own cover before the plane landed -- or risk dying a slow, agonizing and terribly messy, undignified death.
Days after losing consciousness, Pamela awakens in an ultra hi-tech hospital room miles below the earth’s surface. Her entire lower body entangled in a mass of wires and cords and clamps, all linked to stacks of monitors, computers and medical equipment so radically advanced and seemingly theoretically impossible to any engineer, scientist or gynecologist outside of NASA.
“What the fuck?,” she thought to herself, before slowly drifting back into an all-too-familiar drug-induced haze of prescription painkillers, experimental psychotropic substances and the residual effects of an unfortunate heroin douche. While carefully examining the tattered remains of Pamela’s reproductive system, NASA’s top engineer enthusiastically declares, “We can rebuild it! Faster. Stronger. Tighter.”
After many years of top-secret development and billions in privately funded grants, an eccentric but extremely influential Beltway power broker finally had the perfect test subject in place to launch his highly controversial experimental program. His goal: to design the ultimate weapon, merging man and machine into an elite, indestructible soldier with superhuman strength, stamina and the processing power of a hundred million Blackberries, iPods and personal massagers. Soon the world would witness the miracle of a new kind of birth -- the mother of all hybrids – known for so many years only by the classified codename Bionic T.W.A.T.™
The revolutionary prosthetic device is a biological, molecular and mechanical masterpiece protected by an indestructible metallic substance known as Cuntonium, which was only recently discovered during a secret shuttle mission to the distant planet Vulva. The space-age material houses the Bionic T.W.A.T.'s intricate internal network in a protective Cuntonium alloy shield.
Loosely modeled after K.I.T.T. (Knight Industries Two Thousand), the talking car from TV's "Knight Rider" series, the Bionic T.W.A.T. also features the voice of William Daniels as C.L.I.T.T. (Cybernetic Labial Implant Three Thousand), a vertical red scanner and myriad other nifty crime-fighting capabilities. Quite frankly, there is nothing that the Bionic T.W.A.T. can’t do!
Now armed with the world’s most powerful anti-terror weapon (T.W.A.T., in case you haven't yet figured it out, is an acronym for The War Against Terror), Pamela’s missions are initially coordinated through a command center at the National Intelligence Program for Planetary Security (N.I.P.P.S.). Her unprecedented arsenal of vaginal weaponry soon helps rid the world of its most notorious evildoers and usher in a new era of peace, security and world order.
That is, until the government that created it becomes (even more) paranoid and delusional. Fearing that the Bionic T.W.A.T. has become too powerful and autonomous, a renegade gaggle of extremist lawmakers sets out to manipulate their less morally reprehensible colleagues with cooked intelligence reports, illegal spying and taxpayer-funded propaganda. This vast right wing cuntspiracy ultimately convinces the world that such a fierce Weapon of Mass Destruction can no longer be safely controlled and must now be disarmed – or be destroyed.
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